Brutal honesty and absurd thoughts all mashed up together. Welcome to my life.
AM I ISOLATED OR TRAPPED?
So I said I’d be truthful so here goes nothing…
Recently, my mental health has been spiralling. In an ideal situation, I can normally try and pick myself back up before I feel like a bit of mess . Although, with everything going on that’s easier said than done, things like socialising and getting out aren’t an option at the moment so my usual method of getting out and staying busy is out of the question. Ultimately, we need to stay home and stay safe.
Most likely I’m not the only one feeling a bit under the weather at the moment and being inside and with your own thoughts can feel like your trapped. And let’s face it that’s never a good feeling…
It got me thinking though I can only work with what I have and what’s happening is out of my control so what control do I have..?
Well I might not being able to socialise but I can go for a walk and clear my head once a day and if anything this has given me the time to come to the conclusion of what I WANT and NEED. So yes it may be stressing me out but now I have time for me. So after overthinking which honestly I tend to do quite a lot of I’ve come up with my holy grail. 30 minutes a day of self love, me time. A time where I just block the world out and take time for me. Currently, it’s early days but I’ve focused on things that matter to me and took the time to try and chill out, morning or night it doesn’t really matter.
From a workout that flopped and ended up being half hour of laughter to simply just listening to music and blocking the world out or having a bubble bath and reading a book.
I was kind of shook at how the possibilities are endless, and the only thing that really matters is how I feel and ultimately taking the time I NEED!
11 - 04 - 2020
Since the beginning I’ve kept anything personal off of the blog but after recent events I’ve realised maybe I’ve been doing it all wrong. The reason I started this blog was because someone I trusted dearly believed in me enough to say I could and then supported me for countless hours while I did the content and worried about people’s opinions. But, now I realise the people who matter aren’t the ones who judge or knock me down.
Mental health is something that has affected me first and second hand. For that reason any way I can help someone struggling I will and if a few words mean something to even one person then it means the world. However, with every learning curve you find your way and for me that’s always been music. Whether it’s listening, singing or simply writing for an hour or so.
From this point forward @beneaththesurfaceblog is going to be our collective journey. Everyone has bad days and it’s ok to talk about it. Previously, I haven’t been so open but if my journey can help someone that’s all that matters. I’m just an average girl with a dream to help raise awareness of mental health and share my love of music. But like I said if one person can feel better or feels as though we can break the stigma together than my mission is accomplished. Dreams are made to become realities.
15 - 03 - 2020
NEW YEAR, NEW ME?
What does that even mean?
Over the past couple of days, my socials have been filled with the same statement but what does it even mean?
So it got me thinking...
Why does anyone have to be a new version?You are who you are because of the life you've led and the decisions you've made. You're who you are because of the journey you've been on. Therefore, embrace it because even the not so good path has worked out well. You may not see it now but I'm sure you will.
Overall, my point is whether you've made good or bad decisions in the past it's the decisions you make now that count so why not ignore the new part and change it to best me because 2019 is your year.
Your year to be who or whatever you want to be and be the best you.
New Year, Best Me!
06 - 01 - 19
JUST ME & PROUD TO BE!
The past doesn’t define me.
You may disagree.
But I’m not what you try to get others to believe.
I’ve made mistakes, after all, I’m only human.
But, I’m just trying to catch a break to become what I’m supposed to be.
My home, clothes & the tang in my voice doesn’t mean I follow the crowd & make the wrong choices.
I’m just me & should be proud to be!
Your judgemental opinions shouldn’t be able to define who I am!
Why label someone with the same spots, their thoughts aren’t the same.
You’re just trying to make them claim the blame but it’s your judgemental shame!
WHEN DO I PUT MYSELF FIRST?
Sometimes you can take a minute to talk to yourself and think when do I get put first? A mixture of worry and doubt.
Will people think I'm selfish?
Do I deserve time to myself?
Should I be doing this or that?
It can understandably make anyone feel uneasy.
But, you have to put yourself first, it doesn't mean your selfish it means you know your self-worth and have an understanding of what your body needs physically and mentally. Everyone needs some time for themselves. It's not a bad thing, think about you every now and then.
What is it you need or want?
STAY OR WALK AWAY?
In life, everyone is going to come across people who they have relationships with whether it be friendly or romantic. Although, the hardest thing, in my opinion, is to work out when to walk away from the people. It’s normal to have little arguments and disagreements.
No one's perfect, people make mistakes and have different moral codes so there’s always going to be things that you disagree on. Although, when do you know when enough is enough? For me, it seems that the decision that should be mine either gets too much so I give in or it gets clouded by other peoples demands, judgements or ultimatums.
No one has the right to determine who you allow in your life so why do they do it?
Is it because they care, want to control you or is it because they can see that it’s time to stop forgiving and forget.
Honestly, I don’t think I will ever know I got bought up on the value ‘treat people how you want to be treated’ but similarly some of the things that have happened I would never imagine doing.
I guess all I do know is I need a bubble bath, some sleep, to feel like I have control and the decision will always be mine and that I can just have support from the people I care about and who care for me.
Mistakes, everyone makes them, don’t they or is a mistake just an excuse? Nobody’s perfect and it’s completely normal to slip up, after all, we’re all only human. But, if it happens more than once is that a mistake or is it an issue?
I don’t know the answer.
To be honest, I’m pretty black and white, one or two mistakes are fine but after a third or fourth is it even a mistake anymore?
Personally, I think not after that point I think it turns into a life lesson telling you it’s time to ‘fix up, look sharp’. Honestly, I’ll never get it. Surely, you learn from your mistakes. Why keep going round and round? You aren’t a roundabout, you're a person. Why eat sleep repeat when you can grow and learn from what you're doing or what’s happening to you?
Living in the past won’t make the future, it will just be a continuous spiral game and let’s be honest ‘’ain’t nobody got time for that’’.
(Don’t really know where I was going with this but I guess just value the life you’ve got not everyone has the chance so why waste it on repeating the same mistakes.)
VICTIM OR SURVIVOR?
‘I’m defined by the past.’
No, you are not.
You are better than what’s happened in the past. If you want better, think better and then you achieve better. Your mistakes or the actions of others don’t have to define you.
You don’t have to be a victim, you can be a SURVIVOR!
You are better than your past.
You are better than a low life who put you down or took advantage of you.
You are a SURVIVOR!
The actions someone else have done defines them not you. The only way it will affect you is if you let it. You have the ultimate control over yourself no matter how hard anyone tries to fool you. You have the control to create the future that makes you and proves that no matter how hard they tried to drag you down you beat the stigma.
People can try to knock you down, but you have the advantage.
You can control your own fate, the path may change throughout the years but it’s ok because you always find your way back on track.
Don’t worry boo you got this :)
MY LIFE LESSON 101: EMBRACING MY MISTAKES.
Someone wise once told me ‘’everyone comes into your life for a reason’’ at first I looked at them like ‘heck, you crazy’. But, then I realised everyone who comes in your life teaches you a lesson, whether it be something personal or factual.
It’s crazy to think a couple of hours in someone’s company can auto the way you are or your thought process but, it can happen.
People do come in your life for a reason, I know sometimes it can be hard to see that when they’ve left damage after they’ve left but no matter what you’ve learnt something.
Whether you realise it or not.
What’s the point in hating someone or crying over them?
Spending more energy on someone who has left a negative impact on you is just a waste of time; maybe to start with it makes you feel better but in the long run, all it will do is end in tears.
It's taken me a long time to even start to come round to this way of thinking but if I’m honest to myself I let that person in my life for a reason and although they are not in it now not everything about anyone can be filled with toxicity.
‘You Only Live Once’ so what’s the point in wasting your time on people who either don’t care or making yourself upset over something that’s already happened.
You can’t change what’s happened to you, you can learn from it though.
EVERYONE SHOULD BE ENTITLED!
Has anyone seen in the news recently about the ‘wearable gadgets’ that aim ‘to ward off attackers?
Why should anyone have to go to this extent in the first place?
The fact there is a device that aims to warn off ‘attackers’ is ridiculous. Women and men should be able to go about their lives without having to go to the extent or wearing these devices.
I understand that this is to help people but why? Why should anyone have to spend the money to get one? Instead, why aren’t school providing self-defence classes and teaching students about these situations so that people understand the after effects and how it isn’t right to take advantage of someone in a sexual way or any other?
If children are taught this from an early age within schools, youth clubs and through their family connections surely it should stop or at least cut down the number of incidents. We should be teaching skills not influencing paranoia and implementing stress for people by promoting these gadgets. If we raise these issues we should be talking about what actions we can do to stop it. An option that is available to everyone, not just people who can buy them.
We need to find ways to stop sexual assault but creating products that are sold to ‘ward off attackers’ isn’t the way if they are going to be created they should be provided to everyone, not just people who choose to go out and buy them.
What do you think?
Does anyone else get annoyed with the constant sexist remarks made?
Equality and all topics that surround it seems to be a massive talking point for a lot of people. However, surely now we should be able to see that discriminating against other people whether it be about race, gender or age is becoming old and is/was not ever acceptable.
If we go back through history we come across historic movements like the Civil rights movement (this was to stop racial segregation) and the Suffragette movement (this was to gain women the right to vote.) All through history, there have been people who fought for a better society, so why can’t we all just try to stop with the judgement and get on with our lives, instead of treating people differently because of there characteristics.
It seems that we have gone from sorting the bigger issues out to now speaking about irrelevant ones just so we have a reason to complain and judge someone. For instance, now people think that it is ok to label women and men for their sexual encounters. Why is it a constant battle between the sexes? If someone chooses to go out and ‘have fun’ as it were why should they be labelled as a ‘sl*g’ or a ‘f*ck boy’ at the end of the day as long as you are at the correct age to make that decision and are single you aren’t doing anything wrong.
We as a society need to stop with all the hate as long as no one is hurting anyone and they are doing the right thing for them then they should just be left alone. Life is too short to be judging people over little silly things.
THE CONTRADICTING LAUGH!
Everyone assumes that your big and tough and that the way you present yourself on the outside is how you feel on the inside. But, I can tell you what you see isn’t always as it seems as a wise one once said ‘you don’t know what happens behind closed doors’. So do you think you know about what’s truly going through someone's mind and how they are feeling? People may laugh and smile. Is it actually the truth though or are they just covering up how they truly feel so no one is worried or affected? After all, they can look after themselves… Right?
Of course, they can BUT…
It’s ok not to be ok.
It’s ok to ask for help.
It’s ok to show how your feeling and most importantly be true to yourself.
Don’t fake the way you are for someone else’s benefit you don’t have to fake a laugh to make everyone happy.
It’s ok not to smile.
It’s ok not to be ok all the time.
It’s not ok not to realise that you are just as important as anyone else.
It’s not ok to put yourself at risk just because you’re trying to hide the fact that you need a little help as well.
Don’t laugh if you don’t mean it. If you need to EXPRESS YOURSELF!
WHY IS IT SO HARD TO ADMIT YOU NEED HELP?
I never wanted to admit I had an issue because after people knew and I’d finally said it, it would become more real for me. But, now I see that it meant that I could finally talk properly about things that I had kept locked away from everyone and even at times, locked away from myself.
The truth is I don’t think in any situation, where you have an issue or where you’re scared to admit something, it being easy isn’t really an option. The uncertainty of what happens next is scary; but, the fact is admitting you need help will help you because you're finally admitting it to yourself. That’s the start of getting better or resolving the issue etc.
Personally, admitting and seeking help is one of the decisions I know I’m not going to regret because it meant that I could finally start to move on with my life and stop living in the past. I’m not going to say it was a walk in the park but I am going to say I’m glad I did.
I didn’t feel ready, I knew it was time though.
THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK?
It’s quite common to say things in the heat of the moment. Everyone makes mistakes. But, can the things you say just be massive mistakes, or, is it possible to fix the damage your words have caused?
Normally, I’m one of the people who regret what they say almost instantly and over think what I say etc. Somehow though, this time seems to be different. Recently, I said a few things that normally, I wouldn’t have said in the heat of the moment. Part of me expected me to be the one to apologise and go running back (it’s what I normally do.) But, this time it seems to be different. It seems to me that maybe by not thinking this time it’s worked in my favour. Possibly, not overthinking for once means I’ve been able to put myself first and not have to be the one who’s left to feel in the wrong, when in fact I’m right.
OBSERVE or ABSURD?
Does anyone take a step back sometimes and looks in at what's actually going on around them? It's as if you can see people in aspects you haven't seen before as if you've just opened your eyes for the first time. Is it observing or absurd to think of the reality check that one experience can have over you? Personally, this makes me realise no matter how long or close you've seen certain people, places or things you will never truly see what you're looking at without opening your mind up first.